If I could build a time machine to go back and talk to my 12-year-old self, I’d comfort her with a few key facts from the future: pant waistbands go all the way up to your boobs now, your insanely hairy brows are in, and every mean girl at your middle school is now involved in a multi-level Facebook marketing scheme. Or so I once thought.
Now, somehow skinny brows are coming back in style and low-rise jeans are expected to be the second-worst thing about 2020. As if that wasn’t dark enough, those impractical, chunky Steve Madden slides that all those same mean girls wore are back from the grave to haunt us. Yes: I’m almost 30 years old and still feel like these shoes are going to bully me.
The slides, created as part of a Steve Madden and Urban Outfitters capsule collection, have already sold out. The marketing copy urges us to “relive the glory days of the ’90s with this throwback slide sandal from Steve Madden, exclusively for Urban Outfitters.” If we’re so intent to relive the glory days of the ’90s, then what’s next? Rhinestone Bebe tank tops? The “Rachel” haircut? Those shrunken T-shirts that look like they’re dog-sized but expand when you pull them on? (Okay, those were pretty cool.)
Before that all happens, I beg you to take a stand somewhere. And that stand involves not putting our feet in these terrible shoes.